first post and of cooourse it's me complaining! i'm just very overwhelmed at the moment and i think the most frustrating part is the fact that it's technically in my control, but at the same time i can't do anything about it? i mean executive dysfunction, i have so many things i NEED to do, like things that are crucial to my future and wellbeing, and i just. cannot do it. no matter how badly i want to. i need to save money, i need to finish my owed artwork (just so i can take on even more!), i need to keep my room clean, i need to shower, i need to pay my rent. i need to talk to all of my friends regularly or i'm scared they're going to be mad at me. i really do feel like a hypocrite about that, because i used to be so saddened that my ex wouldn't give me the time of day, and now i feel like i'm doing it to the people i care about. it's 'different' because i'm not replacing them with something else that's less important (i don't think there COULD be anything more important to me than my friends honestly), but it feels the same to me and it makes me feel awful.

everything needs my attention, ALL the time. i have 0 times where i feel like i can truly just relax and not let myself be stressed out. this isn't anyone's fault necessarily! it's my own self imposed expectations, i guess. i feel like i'm reverting back to how i was in highschool and that's terrifying, except instead of being oblivious to all these worries and just not taking them seriously, i take it all so so serious, and i can't breathe underneath it all. i don't know where to start to make myself feel better. i am not ready in any capacity to be an adult, but i also know that i have no other choice. i don't want to kms because i have so many things i don't want to leave behind, but oh my god is it tempting. not even out of sadness but as a selfish way out, to just not feel this pressure anymore, and alleviate myself of any responsibilities i currently hold. i will never be a kid again and that thought haunts me. i will never be out from underneath the stress of constantly worrying about money. it all seems pointless, that if this is all life is, scrounging together every cent i have to keep a roof over my head in a never-ending cycle every month, that i want no part in it. i don't believe i can do this forever, but i feel like i have no choice. and if the lack of feeling like i have a choice is what keeps me alive then that's fine!!! i feel so edgy and dumb talking about this stuff because it all feels so dramaticized. i don't mean to be that way, it's just pure overstimulation by my own brain and it makes me want to off myself LMAO. this could be for a billion different reasons unrelated to my circumstances, because other Human Beings are able to get through these exat same things without feeling so horrible. but just because of MY brain personally being how it is, i don't have much control over how i feel about these tiny little things, and they all feel like i am being ran over by one trillion billion semi's. just because of a chemical imbalance. caused by what??? who fucking knooows!!!!! maybe i didn't eat enough today, or maybe i need to go hang out with my friends and get out of the house. brain is a fuck, get me out of here!

one day i'll understand how to self-level the chemicals in my brain when i feel like this but until then i just have to NOT kms. and things will be Fine. they always are, even when i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel i have to believe it's there. but god am i getting really exausted of waiting